I Don't Need Help

 I am writing this for no particular reason other than my own amusement. Now, as the title of this post says I don’t need help. I am perfectly safe and sound. I’m comfortable typing all of this in my chair on my computer. I am not currently hidden inside a cabin and posting this from my phone as a means of reaching out to someone.

I want to make it abundantly clear that I was not out on a walk last week and I was not kidnapped by three men in cultist robes. Seeing as how I was never kidnapped, I should add that I was not taken to a stone altar deep in the woods. Also, I did not witness several people get sacrificed on it by getting carved open with ceremonial daggers. There was no ritualistic chanting and the victims' blood did not drip onto a pattern of runes carved into the altar. Their blood did not seep into the altar as if it were a giant sponge.

The runes did not begin to glow. The air never rippled in the slightest. No portal ever opened up. There was no monster that resembled a scaly humanoid manticore that came out of the portal. It did not grab two of the cultists much to their shock and proceed to devour them alive. The other cultists did not realize their mistake and attempt to flee.

Due to this fact, I was unable to escape while the monster fed on the cultists because there were no cultists and there is no monster. As I said, I am currently sitting at home and not in a cabin. Therefore, it is not possible for me to have a journal left by one of the cultists that gives information about the monster that I want to reiterate was not summoned. Because I don’t have this hypothetical journal, I can’t share its contents.

I am unable to share the fact the monster, which again doesn’t exist is named Konloomite. He can’t pursue his goal of devouring his victims and consuming their life energy so he can reach full strength due to his nonexistence. I should also mention that the journal which does not exist says absolutely nothing about Konloomite also becoming stronger when people are directly told about him. The obvious remedy to this, if he did exist, would be to warn people about him indirectly. However, he doesn’t exist so there is zero need to do this.

I hear no screams outside. Nor do I hear the roar of Konloomite because he can’t roar due to the fact he is not real. Therefore, it is unnecessary for me to say that his roar sounds like glass being ground up in a blender. There is no Kloomite so mentioning this is pointless. With this in mind, it is also equally pointless to mention that I can’t hear him getting closer to me. Nobody was pounding on the door a short while ago begging to be let in.

They were not silenced by Konloomite by having their neck broken. The cabin which I am not currently in has no runes carved into it which gives me protection from Konloomite. He isn’t looking at me through one of the windows and smiling. His smiles reveal no rows of jagged and sharp blood-covered teeth. He isn't licking his lips in anticipation for me to go outside.

Now, if I actually had been kidnapped by some cultists and seen them perform sacrifices and Konloomite really did exist I would find that problematic. As a matter of fact, I would go as far, to say that I would be very frightened if that were the case. If I were in this predicament I might even try to reach out to someone for information on how to stop Konloomite because the nonreal journal doesn’t say how to. Of course, if any of you have any ideas you could play along by putting the word, not before say banning ritual instructions of some kind or something close to the word not. There would be no need to do this other than humoring me.

As I said, I would be terrified out of my mind right now if the stuff I mentioned did happen and Konloomite was real but they didn’t and he isn’t. I am perfectly fine.